One weekend, two separate services

Dear Isabel,

My husband and I decided when we got married to each stick with our religions: mine Jewish, his Protestant. We have both gotten more involved with our places of worship over the subsequent ten years, though, and it feels like we never have weekend time together. Now that our kids are both school-aged, Saturday and Sunday are our only time to all be together, and instead we’re going off in different directions.

Our problem isn’t theology—it’s logistics. But even though we’re not arguing about beliefs or interfering with each other’s commitments, religion is a source of division instead of togetherness for us. What should we do?

Split Decision

Dear Split,

Logistical problems can be just as . . . problematic as theological ones. They do call for a different kind of solution, though.

I suggest sitting down together with a big blank calendar month and looking at all of your time commitments, not just the religious ones—even though those might be some of the most important ones. What items are really non-negotiable and non-movable for you? Work, school, leisure time, visits to see family, etc., and yes, religion. What blanks are left?

You probably have some. They just aren’t going to be 48 hours in a row on the weekend. Maybe Saturdays after 2 and Sundays after 2 can be sacrosanct family time. Maybe Wednesday and Thursday evenings can be added to the mix. Maybe early mornings are great family time, when everyone is awake and can have breakfast together (unusual, I know, but stranger things have happened). The point is, set aside societal expectations like “Saturday and Sunday are our time to be together all day” and create the schedule that works for you.

Also, do your respective worship communities offer anything that could change the calendar for you? A midweek service, say, or an early morning Sunday service, that might even prove to be more spiritually nourishing than the ones you go to right now?

Far be it from me to suggest that you skip synagogue / church, but what if you set aside one weekend each month in which you did not go to your respective weekend services, but preserved the whole weekend for a family trip or staycation?

You clearly have a strong commitment to each other and your kids, as well as to your worship communities and your spiritual needs, so the odds are good you’ll be able to figure out something that works for all of you, even if it doesn’t look the way you pictured it when you first married.

Wishing you well,

Isabel

Next week: Religion causes so much war and destruction. Really, is it worth it?