How Much Should We Shape Our Children's Religious Lives?
Dear Isabel,
My spouse and I have two children under 8. Both of us have strong, mostly negative feelings about how we were raised, in terms of religion. We want our children to develop their own religious beliefs as they grow older. But we’ve also observed beliefs out in the world (and sometimes in our families) that we fervently hope they don’t adopt. How can we try to shape their religious views while still giving them the freedom we wish we’d both had?
Not Sure Where to Start
Dear Not Sure,
It’s a paradox, isn’t it? You want your children to choose freely, but you also want them to freely choose something of which you approve . . . or at least something not too far out of your comfort zone.
The short answer to your question is: you can’t. You can’t both shape someone’s views and give them maximum freedom. If you really want them to be free, they may well choose a direction that you would not. And if you claim to be giving them freedom, but actually try to shape them, I promise you: they will know.
The more nuanced answer, though, is this: Raising children to be free to make their own decisions is not value-neutral. It conveys to them that you trust their judgment; that you love them unconditionally; that you value freedom so highly that you are willing to accept the disagreements, even conflicts, it might bring into your family. That is some powerful teaching. Your children might absorb it and still choose a direction that dismays you, including religious beliefs that seem un-free, but have no doubt that they will know what freedom means.
Valuing freedom, by the way, does not mean that you need to leave them completely on their own. When it comes to discovering and developing their other interests, you have probably not raised them in a void; you have surrounded them with books, games, aids to scientific observation, a variety of experiences, etc., so that they are presented with an at least partial menu of human endeavors. From there, you have learned what lights each one’s fire. Religion is the same. Offer them a range of religion-related stories, rituals, ideas, etc., and they will let you know which ones intrigue them. Let them know that there are religious communities and that you’ll help them visit any that they’d like to learn about.
Wishing you well,
Isabel
Dear reader, you may have noticed that columns have been arriving every two weeks instead of weekly. That’s the frequency that has been sustainable for me. So, not next week, but in two weeks (July 9), I'll take up the question: Is it true that religious people are happier and healthier than non-religious people?
